This letter was
sent out with the 2014 Preliminary Tax Bills on October 1, 2014
Translations for the sake of
transparency and truth in advertising are printed in red.
Dear Resident:
During the past few years, the City has (you
taxpayers have) borne the burden of a national recession
and housing foreclosure crisis which has created a hardship for
many in our community. Coupled with the sluggish rebound of our
national economy, it is difficult to share that our great City is
facing serious financial challenges inherited from the prior
administration ( for which not one of the
re-elected council members accepts any blame or shame).
During this budget cycle, we (you) faced
a $3.9 million City budget deficit, a $3.2 million deficit at the
East Orange Water Commission, and a lack of investment (future spending of money we don't have)
in capital improvements in our City.
Since I took office in January, we have been working
steadfastly to stabilize (hide and cover up
) our finances and move the City toward an era of
unprecedented progress and renewal ( more
hiring of city employees and more spending of YOUR money).
The 2014 Tax Rate, at 4.908%, represents a 3.9% increase from
last year (because we can't stop taking
your money and spending it on things that will make you want to
keep us all in office for four more years). For the
average household assessed at $175,000, this equates to an
increase in annual taxes of $322.18 (for
just this year - wait until you see how it keeps going up and up).
To secure our ( me and my gang of
elected officials') financial future, we made the tough
but necessary decision to increase (YOUR
) taxes to balance our budget and boost our local economy (without cutting the jobs and salaries of any
incompetent city employees who probably get paid more than any of
you). As we travel the road to fiscal recovery (as if that is even possible when we keep taking
your money and spending it on wasteful city projects), I
ask for your patience (shut up and close
your eyes to what we are doing) in this multi-year effort (that's right, we'll be back again for more of
YOUR money next year and on into the future) to achieve
solvency (get rich at YOUR expense)
while maintaining and improving critical municipal services (which means doing as little real work as
possible while making it look as if we are really busy - lots of photos of my smiling face will be in the news approving everything that
makes me look good).
With an eye toward attracting quality commercial development (businesses too stupid to realize they are here
just for show) and ultimately stabilizing our (increasing YOUR) taxes and creating jobs (hiring more city employees because I have a lot
of friends to whom I owe favors), I'm proud to share a few
tangible results and updates on our administration's efforts:
Under an intensive examination led by my
administration, the East Orange Water Commission received
a complete fiscal, physical and managerial overhaul,
including much needed maintenance and long-overdue
repairs to yield immediate cost savings for taxpayers (which is the real reason your water
bills just went up by 5% because we knew you would want
us to spend more of YOUR money that we couldn't get by
taxes to pay for it all). These upgrades have
increased the production of our own water (that's right - I was responsible for
making it rain more) and ultimately reduced the
amount that is spent on water from external agencies. In
addition, in just one month's time, we have increased our
billing collections by 5% through an improved billing
process (designed to squeeze more
money from you so you can pay our bills), which
systematically aims to reduce redundancy and target
delinquent accounts (so you also
get to cover our incompetence with double billing and
collecting from deadbeats).
Threats to public safety are at an all-time low (pay no attention to those sounds
of gunshots - they must
be coming from Newark) . We will continue to keep
our City and its residents safe with highly visible
patrols and a stronger community policing presence in all
of our neighborhoods (pay no
attention to that video of police
spraying mace).
With our state designation as a Transit Village, we
are working on attracting new capital investments and
redevelopments that will enhance not only your quality of
life (like a new parking garage
that can double as a million dollar public urinal so the
train stations don't smell so bad), but also help
us to market East Orange as a destination for the ethnic
and diverse living that is unique to our city (don't worry - none of those ethnic and
diverse groups that believe in hard work and who have
good jobs or create good businesses will be interested in
moving here).
Working in collaboration with the East Orange School
District and other community-based organizations, we are
expanding our cultural and recreational opportunities
while Simultaneously reinventing our green spaces for
public use (that means absolutely
nothing, but sounds good to ignorant and unquestioning
voters).
Our new Quality of Life Task Force is ambitiously
targeting problem areas and regaining our footing as a
clean, green and sustainable community (once again, that means absolutely
nothing, but sounds good to ignorant and unquestioning
voters).
As your Mayor, I will work tirelessly to return fiscal
solvency (like I worked at reducing the
budget as I promised in my campaign for mayor but came up with a
better plan to just take more of YOUR money to pay for it all)
to our Great City; however, I ask for your patience (shut up and don't complain). The fruit
of our labor will not be realized overnight (or
as long as I am mayor). This is a team effort, so please
join me and get involved in our many programs and volunteer
initiatives. Please visit our City website at www.eastorange-nj.gov
for updates on municipal services and opportunities to get
involved (which means nothing since we only
update our Web site AFTER stuff has already happened and you can
no longer get responses from our Facebook page).
OK, so I failed in cursive writing and
penmanship even though I supposedly have an undergraduate degree
in political science from Montclair State University and Juris
Doctorate from Howard University School of Law.